whitney

“let me love you,” i beg
as he continues to take
the only happiness he wants
from a bottle

i tell you what i need
you do what you want
how did i confuse that
for love
for so long

i don’t want anything to do with you
because what you do
has nothing to do with me

i don’t want anything from you
it comes at too steep a price
and i have nothing left to give

“he’s not even trying to contact me,”
my ego says in despair

my heart breathes a sigh of relief

i believed you
-you let me

i fought for us
-you let me

i walked away
-you let me

you let me go
and i let you

i thought you were selfish
but i’m the selfish one
for begging for love you couldn’t give

i walked backwards away from you
careful not to take my eyes off your face,
until you disappeared on the horizon,
waiting to see a flicker of remorse
that you never showed

i thought what you needed was love and support
by you’re just weak-
preying on my strength like a parasite
hollowing out my heart
until it collapses to dust

“leave me alone!” i scream
-but silently
because i know you’ll quickly oblige

you only give me what i want
when it’s not what i want at all

you used to bury your nose in my hair
my neck
my stomach
i remember your deceit
and wonder
do you always inhale happiness up your nose?

basking in the warmth of his words
frozen by the truth of his actions
“but i love you,” he pleads

if this is how you love
please
stop loving me

i came to you
broken
and you kept breaking me
so skillfully, so lovingly
like a doctor setting a bone
that i grew to believe this pain was love
and you, the only one who know how
to give it to me